I found this sign at a store tonight and had to buy it. It was the last one left...wow. I'm still laughing. Ray and I got a kick out of it. If ONLY I could post this at my desk at work....*sigh*...if only... -.-
.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Complaint Department
I would post this in "Random" but I wanted it here instead:
I found this sign at a store tonight and had to buy it. It was the last one left...wow. I'm still laughing. Ray and I got a kick out of it. If ONLY I could post this at my desk at work....*sigh*...if only... -.-
.
I found this sign at a store tonight and had to buy it. It was the last one left...wow. I'm still laughing. Ray and I got a kick out of it. If ONLY I could post this at my desk at work....*sigh*...if only... -.-
.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Japan
I find it funny and slightly ironic that headlines in the states are pointing out sentiments of Japan which seem to show contradicting morals.
In one story stateside, an article I read spoke of Japan's past crimes against women in the "comfort women" controversial issue. I'd not heard of this before until a friend spoke of it, and I looked it up. A south Korean woman who was used as a sex slave called upon Japan's new PM to issue an official government apology. Apparently an official apology was issued in 92 but it was not met with approval from parliament and that is exactly what the victims are calling for. The entire article can be found here.
Now, in searching for more world news, I stumbled upon another article regarding Japan, this time in reference to recent desires expressed from Japanese citizens for our US president to visit Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The Japanese want him to visit the cities as a sign of peace or something to that effect. His US advisers say it would be a bad idea considering how full his hands are with health care reform (ugh) and other matters. Not only that, but no other president has visited the Japanese cities during their time of office. Why? Because other political leaders - and perhaps even the president himself - believe to visit it would express regretful sentiments or feelings of sorrow for our actions in WW2. Republicans especially call for him not to visit it for these reasons. I personally believe that we don't owe Japan an apology or even regretful, sorrowful feelings in regards to our actions. Yes, we bombed the shit out of them. It put an end to the war though, didn't it? A war with us that -they- provoked in the first place?
Full article on this issue is found here.
So lets summarize:
Sex slave victims want Japan's apology issued to them and they damn well deserve it but are being denied.
Japanese citizens (victims or not, doesn't matter) want US to express sorrow for a bombing that they provoked after they bombed the shit out of Pearl Harbor.
They won't give out what is deserved and they ask for the undeserved.
Ironic.
In one story stateside, an article I read spoke of Japan's past crimes against women in the "comfort women" controversial issue. I'd not heard of this before until a friend spoke of it, and I looked it up. A south Korean woman who was used as a sex slave called upon Japan's new PM to issue an official government apology. Apparently an official apology was issued in 92 but it was not met with approval from parliament and that is exactly what the victims are calling for. The entire article can be found here.
Now, in searching for more world news, I stumbled upon another article regarding Japan, this time in reference to recent desires expressed from Japanese citizens for our US president to visit Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The Japanese want him to visit the cities as a sign of peace or something to that effect. His US advisers say it would be a bad idea considering how full his hands are with health care reform (ugh) and other matters. Not only that, but no other president has visited the Japanese cities during their time of office. Why? Because other political leaders - and perhaps even the president himself - believe to visit it would express regretful sentiments or feelings of sorrow for our actions in WW2. Republicans especially call for him not to visit it for these reasons. I personally believe that we don't owe Japan an apology or even regretful, sorrowful feelings in regards to our actions. Yes, we bombed the shit out of them. It put an end to the war though, didn't it? A war with us that -they- provoked in the first place?
Full article on this issue is found here.
So lets summarize:
Sex slave victims want Japan's apology issued to them and they damn well deserve it but are being denied.
Japanese citizens (victims or not, doesn't matter) want US to express sorrow for a bombing that they provoked after they bombed the shit out of Pearl Harbor.
They won't give out what is deserved and they ask for the undeserved.
Ironic.
Monday, October 26, 2009
oct 26th
Yay I have no title for this blog!
I just decided to entitle it with today's date. I don't usually go this long without posting an updated blog. I've just been ...well, I'd like to use the word "busy" but really, I've just felt lousy, that's all. It's funny because I blog when I feel lousy, but I felt SO lousy that I didn't even feel like blogging. Don't worry, I'm not some emotional wreck who's considering suicide or some dumb shit like that, lol. Situations have just gotten better but possibly worse with my family matters and demands of school and job have gotten in their way of my online journal.
In regards to my mother, she just made a 180 turn in her decision to try and get off Loratabs. She stayed with me for maybe a couple of weeks and then proclaimed she just was too consumed with the fibromyalgia to even consider life without painkillers. When I told her that I would not support her habit, she said I wouldn't have to: she'd move in with my so-called recovered alcoholic aunt who will shelter her and pay for her doctor's visits/medications. One thing that sucks about her taking Loratabs each month is that it requires an expensive doctor's visit EACH MONTH. She has no insurance and, as I said before, is out of work so some family member gets stuck with the bill for her doctor's visits and her meds. As long as she is on controlled substances (she takes Loratabs and Kolonapin among other things) then the doctor cannot give her any refills on the meds - she has to see him each month. I refuse to pay for this because I DON'T believe she is doing all she can to fight her addiction. She, on the other hand, believes her body has some weird illness that can't be pinpointed and will have to live the rest of her life on pain meds.
She just was crying and crying and crying the days at my home. She claims that riding in the car hurts her "the bumps" that a car rolls over cause her injury. I shit you not, I am dead serious. She claims this. She also claims that fixing her hair the other day injured her arms. She says holding her arms above her head for more than 2 minutes or so in effort to fix her hair actually caused her tissue fibers to tear (or some bullshit like that) and she now has a pain between her shoulder blades in her back. She also claims that walking from my grandma's front door to her mail box out in the front yard caused her legs to be sore. She said that her limbs were "unnaturally heavy" the other day so much that she could barely lift them. My mom is a fucking LUNATIC!
She said the other day, "If I die soon honey, don't be mad at God. I've already asked him to take me," to which I just sighed and replied, "Mom what makes you think you're going to die?" She was like, "Well I've told God that he better do something different like either take me or take the pain because I can't stand this for much longer. He's got to do something different."
Right mom...god's going to take the pain away, yeah.
I'm a Christian, but I don't know how God's mercy and grace fall upon moronic hypochondriacs like my mom. I just don't know what God thinks about this subject.
"I've asked him to heal me and I want to proclaim that,and I want you to proclaim that over me everyday too honey..." she said.
Proclaim it over her?!
Jesus, she sounds like a TV evangelist.
"Proclaim it and it shall be yours!"
Uh, no it's not like that.
Tell that to all the suffering kids in Uganda or something, Mom.
This situation is fucked up.
So anyhow, since my mom decided she wanted this, well I told her she could have it. I packed her shit into my car and hauled her ass to my aunt's house and gave her controlled substances to a different family member who can be trusted to administer them to my mom daily. This side of my family lives a little over 100 miles away, so it was quite a task to get her settled in. I've not seen her in a few days, but she's in town now for another doctor's appointment to try and get records for the government to support her. Government disability is given to those who have documented proof of being sick and cannot work, and my mom is reapplying for that. Well, more power to her. I hope she gets it. It's less work for me. Yes, that sounds selfish, but would YOU want to be around my mother? She's a fuckin nut case.
You know, since this blog is a way for me to vent I will tell a disgusting, sickening thought of mine.
This is some of the worst shit ever and it's the brutal, God damned honest fucking truth:
I've detached myself so much from my mother that if she were to die from whatever, a portion of my mind would feel a sense of relief.
Sick?
Yes, it is.
True?
Yes, true nonetheless.
You can say all you want, "Oh you just think that until it happens," but no, trust me, I KNOW. I already lost my dad and I don't have emotional ties to many family members. They're all so fucked up, I've detached myself from them as far as feelings go. There are few I truly care for, and that is fucking sad, sad, sad. I consider my friends and Raymond to be more of a family to me now. My blood relatives are a bunch of retards for the most part.
I'll have to visit my mom tomorrow after her doctor's apt. She has to tend to business with the home that is still in her name here. A storm destroyed a portion of the roof and she has to meet with insurance guys to see that it is fixed. it's further troubling because she will be given a check for a couple of thousand dollars. I insisted that she give the check to me for safe keeping because she blew over 18,000 bucks in less than a year on drugs whenever she received money from an oil company for mineral rights to our land. Fucking sickening. She said she'll sign the money over to me, but we'll see. I signed over 5,000 bucks to her in trust that she'd use it for home repairs but she blew it on dumb shit. Fuck her, dude...when my dad died, I was owed that much for mineral rights to the land we lived on. I signed it over to her...I'll never entrust her with money again.
She now claims that my aunt is treating her poorly and wants to come back and live with me. I told her I wont support her habit or pay her doctors visits. I'll take her to the doctor maybe every 3 months, but not every month for the purpose of getting more pain pills! I'll tend to what I see as medically necessary for her, but I wont entertain her shitty addictions. There is a BIG fucking difference but she seems to see the lines as being such grey areas. Even she doesn't know what's real pain and what's her addiction kicking in.
She told me where to scatter her ashes if she dies. I didn't know what to say. I have my dad's ashes and she wants to just get sprinkled in some park with his ashes. The park apparently holds special memories of when they first met. She wishes for death and a part of me wishes it for her as well. Sickening...it's all so sickening.
Ray said he understood it in a way though, because he had a grandpa who was just laying in misery, suffering, unable to move or talk after 2 strokes. He was reduced to laying in bed, unable to use the bathroom, feed himself or do anything but move his head and eyes. He couldn't utter a single word. He watched him like this for a couple of years before he died, and Ray said he was relieved. He was no longer suffering, and he was no longer a financial and emotional burden to the family. He was in "a better place".
Well, I do believe my mom would be in a better place, despite my hatred for her past wrongs. it's odd how someone can be so sweet, sympathetic and compassionate and yet so selfish due to addiction and so stupid in the choices they've made in life. She's the most sensitive being I know of, except for myself. However, even in my highly emotional times and trials, I still try to rationalize situations and think clearly. She seems to lack logic even when she's NOT upset.
So to summarize: she's not living with me FOR NOW, but she's unhappy living with my aunt so she might just come crawling back to me and we'll be back to square one: fighting with her to get her to realize she's got an addiction problem and she needs to go into rehab, get her shit straight and stop being so GOD DAMNED RETARDED in reference to how ordinary, daily tasks like wiping her own ass just seem to "hurt" her delicate, fragile body. Fuck that shit.
__________________________________________________________________
On another topic:
It seems I never stop learning about myself. Of course I examine myself constantly. It's something I can't stop doing, it's just a part of who I am. Yes, I constantly compare myself with others.
Hold up.
Don't freak out.
"OH MY GAWD you shouldn't compare yourself with others!!"
That's not what I mean!
What I mean is that I simply analyze people and compare/contrast my own thoughts/views/actions in regards to the same topics or principles that seem to be the focus of my thoughts at that given moment. Make sense?
I have become aware that not everyone has as much insight into people as I do. It's true.
Now, I do not say this to boast. Really, I am surprised and it takes a great deal for me to actually ACKNOWLEDGE a positive thing about myself. I'm pretty hard on myself and I realize that.
Really, all I have to do is spend a few minutes with a person to feel out their character. Oh sure, you may say "Oh anyone can do that" but I do it far better than most. Just the posture, the tone of voice, the whole body language but also: the words. Sometimes the things that go unsaid give me more insight into the person than what they actually say. I usually see through most ulterior motives in just simple matters...
It sounds like I'm bragging, but I don't mean to. It's just an observation because I recently actually acknowledged this fact about myself.
I am often very sure of my impressions of people and yet doubtful too because my reasoning says "Oh you have no right to think that. You don't even know the person!" but then there's that gut instinct kicking back in...I just know what the person is thinking. I can see it. Fuck it's like I can almost feel it. It's one reason I was always a good mediator between people. I can see what both are thinking at all times when they are speaking and I can perfectly explain where each one of them went off track in their efforts to reach a mutual understanding. I can see their thoughts pretty much.
Not too long ago, right before I was transferred to being "asset protection" at my job, there was a guy named LeTroy who I fucking could NOT stand up at my work.
There was something about this asshole that just SCREAMED "liar" with every word he spoke.
Everyone else thought he was just a cool guy, you know?
Laid back, enjoyed a good laugh and impressed customers on the sales floor.
The day he started working there, I thought to myself, "ok this guy is a phony, I just don't have proof but I feel it"
Now, I didn't have proof or even logical reasoning to base my suspicions on. I just could tell that he was fucking lying ALL THE GOD DAMNED TIME!
I shit you not, all the time.
The fucker lied.
All the fucking time....lies, lies, lies.
I could see it and no one else could.
Well, he was a lousy employee in the end as far as helping customers because he was caught LYING about products. He wold make shit up when he didn't know the answer to their questions and it sounded like he knew what he was talking about. Most employees thought nothing of it since a lot of new guys do that...you know, "fake it till you make it" kind of behavior. I just knew there was something more to it though...
I took one girl aside who I spoke with at work time to time, and the subject of LeTroy came up.
"What do you think of him?" I asked.
"Oh I think he's alright! He was just a little emotional the other day talking to so-and-so because he has some thigns going on at home but he's a really nice guy..."
She didn't get my drift.
"Look this guy is a liar, I just know it," I said, "I can feel it, he just isn't trust worthy. They shouldn't have hired him. They let a snake in the door....dude that guy's a freaking snake"
My co-worked looked at me like I was NUTS!
She said I was being judgmental. Well, yes I was...but if you're RIGHT in you judgment, then it's ok in my book. Bias? eh...maybe, but I was RIGHT so fuck opinions of "Oh that's wrong, you're judgmental wah wah wah"....I was right about this guy.
The last thing I said to my co-worked was, "This guy is a con-artist"
Mark my words. I called it. I was the only one in the store who could sense it.
$25,000 worth of internal theft walked out of our doors within a couple month's time.
Who was to blame?
LeTroy.
This was before I was transferred into the dept of asset protection though, remember, or else I'd have caught him sooner.
His dumb ass is in jail/prison/whatever now but I was right...I called it. He was a con-artist.
(A dumb one too)
Now, once I was transferred to asset protection, I busted more internal theft because well...there was a bitch I just did not like. Again, I got bad vibes from her. I could tell she was dishonest. I could read her, I really could. I'll tell my story of how I busted her later on, it's a long story.
My point though is that I just find it surprising that not everyone can read others as I do. I guess people aren't like me because I was always a shy person who stayed back and observed people more than I interacted with them. As a result of this, I am able to summarize people based on many things...including those things which go unsaid.
I find people to be interesting as a subject, but I couldn't ever be a psychologist. I don't have enough care or compassion for them to actually put it to use.
Blah....in the end, people are selfish, that's what I'll say.
____________________________________________________________________
And a random thought from Raymond that made me laugh:
Last night, we were laying in bed talking before we slept.
Since he has such a broad chest and I'm so very cold-natured, I often huggle up to him as we're talking. He started to tell me how much he loved me and why he loved me as he played with my hair.
"I love how rational you are and you're not over dramatic and I love your irritability..."
"what?!"
"..."
"You said you love my rationality and my irritability. Don't the two traits contradict each other?"
"Well no..." he said, "Your irritability rides on your rationality because you rationalize things so much that they irritate you!"
I laughed for a long time on this thought. He makes perfect sense of my nonsense sometimes.
We truly are a nontraditional couple and we're ok with that.
We are amused by it.
Good night world.
I just decided to entitle it with today's date. I don't usually go this long without posting an updated blog. I've just been ...well, I'd like to use the word "busy" but really, I've just felt lousy, that's all. It's funny because I blog when I feel lousy, but I felt SO lousy that I didn't even feel like blogging. Don't worry, I'm not some emotional wreck who's considering suicide or some dumb shit like that, lol. Situations have just gotten better but possibly worse with my family matters and demands of school and job have gotten in their way of my online journal.
In regards to my mother, she just made a 180 turn in her decision to try and get off Loratabs. She stayed with me for maybe a couple of weeks and then proclaimed she just was too consumed with the fibromyalgia to even consider life without painkillers. When I told her that I would not support her habit, she said I wouldn't have to: she'd move in with my so-called recovered alcoholic aunt who will shelter her and pay for her doctor's visits/medications. One thing that sucks about her taking Loratabs each month is that it requires an expensive doctor's visit EACH MONTH. She has no insurance and, as I said before, is out of work so some family member gets stuck with the bill for her doctor's visits and her meds. As long as she is on controlled substances (she takes Loratabs and Kolonapin among other things) then the doctor cannot give her any refills on the meds - she has to see him each month. I refuse to pay for this because I DON'T believe she is doing all she can to fight her addiction. She, on the other hand, believes her body has some weird illness that can't be pinpointed and will have to live the rest of her life on pain meds.
She just was crying and crying and crying the days at my home. She claims that riding in the car hurts her "the bumps" that a car rolls over cause her injury. I shit you not, I am dead serious. She claims this. She also claims that fixing her hair the other day injured her arms. She says holding her arms above her head for more than 2 minutes or so in effort to fix her hair actually caused her tissue fibers to tear (or some bullshit like that) and she now has a pain between her shoulder blades in her back. She also claims that walking from my grandma's front door to her mail box out in the front yard caused her legs to be sore. She said that her limbs were "unnaturally heavy" the other day so much that she could barely lift them. My mom is a fucking LUNATIC!
She said the other day, "If I die soon honey, don't be mad at God. I've already asked him to take me," to which I just sighed and replied, "Mom what makes you think you're going to die?" She was like, "Well I've told God that he better do something different like either take me or take the pain because I can't stand this for much longer. He's got to do something different."
Right mom...god's going to take the pain away, yeah.
I'm a Christian, but I don't know how God's mercy and grace fall upon moronic hypochondriacs like my mom. I just don't know what God thinks about this subject.
"I've asked him to heal me and I want to proclaim that,and I want you to proclaim that over me everyday too honey..." she said.
Proclaim it over her?!
Jesus, she sounds like a TV evangelist.
"Proclaim it and it shall be yours!"
Uh, no it's not like that.
Tell that to all the suffering kids in Uganda or something, Mom.
This situation is fucked up.
So anyhow, since my mom decided she wanted this, well I told her she could have it. I packed her shit into my car and hauled her ass to my aunt's house and gave her controlled substances to a different family member who can be trusted to administer them to my mom daily. This side of my family lives a little over 100 miles away, so it was quite a task to get her settled in. I've not seen her in a few days, but she's in town now for another doctor's appointment to try and get records for the government to support her. Government disability is given to those who have documented proof of being sick and cannot work, and my mom is reapplying for that. Well, more power to her. I hope she gets it. It's less work for me. Yes, that sounds selfish, but would YOU want to be around my mother? She's a fuckin nut case.
You know, since this blog is a way for me to vent I will tell a disgusting, sickening thought of mine.
This is some of the worst shit ever and it's the brutal, God damned honest fucking truth:
I've detached myself so much from my mother that if she were to die from whatever, a portion of my mind would feel a sense of relief.
Sick?
Yes, it is.
True?
Yes, true nonetheless.
You can say all you want, "Oh you just think that until it happens," but no, trust me, I KNOW. I already lost my dad and I don't have emotional ties to many family members. They're all so fucked up, I've detached myself from them as far as feelings go. There are few I truly care for, and that is fucking sad, sad, sad. I consider my friends and Raymond to be more of a family to me now. My blood relatives are a bunch of retards for the most part.
I'll have to visit my mom tomorrow after her doctor's apt. She has to tend to business with the home that is still in her name here. A storm destroyed a portion of the roof and she has to meet with insurance guys to see that it is fixed. it's further troubling because she will be given a check for a couple of thousand dollars. I insisted that she give the check to me for safe keeping because she blew over 18,000 bucks in less than a year on drugs whenever she received money from an oil company for mineral rights to our land. Fucking sickening. She said she'll sign the money over to me, but we'll see. I signed over 5,000 bucks to her in trust that she'd use it for home repairs but she blew it on dumb shit. Fuck her, dude...when my dad died, I was owed that much for mineral rights to the land we lived on. I signed it over to her...I'll never entrust her with money again.
She now claims that my aunt is treating her poorly and wants to come back and live with me. I told her I wont support her habit or pay her doctors visits. I'll take her to the doctor maybe every 3 months, but not every month for the purpose of getting more pain pills! I'll tend to what I see as medically necessary for her, but I wont entertain her shitty addictions. There is a BIG fucking difference but she seems to see the lines as being such grey areas. Even she doesn't know what's real pain and what's her addiction kicking in.
She told me where to scatter her ashes if she dies. I didn't know what to say. I have my dad's ashes and she wants to just get sprinkled in some park with his ashes. The park apparently holds special memories of when they first met. She wishes for death and a part of me wishes it for her as well. Sickening...it's all so sickening.
Ray said he understood it in a way though, because he had a grandpa who was just laying in misery, suffering, unable to move or talk after 2 strokes. He was reduced to laying in bed, unable to use the bathroom, feed himself or do anything but move his head and eyes. He couldn't utter a single word. He watched him like this for a couple of years before he died, and Ray said he was relieved. He was no longer suffering, and he was no longer a financial and emotional burden to the family. He was in "a better place".
Well, I do believe my mom would be in a better place, despite my hatred for her past wrongs. it's odd how someone can be so sweet, sympathetic and compassionate and yet so selfish due to addiction and so stupid in the choices they've made in life. She's the most sensitive being I know of, except for myself. However, even in my highly emotional times and trials, I still try to rationalize situations and think clearly. She seems to lack logic even when she's NOT upset.
So to summarize: she's not living with me FOR NOW, but she's unhappy living with my aunt so she might just come crawling back to me and we'll be back to square one: fighting with her to get her to realize she's got an addiction problem and she needs to go into rehab, get her shit straight and stop being so GOD DAMNED RETARDED in reference to how ordinary, daily tasks like wiping her own ass just seem to "hurt" her delicate, fragile body. Fuck that shit.
__________________________________________________________________
On another topic:
It seems I never stop learning about myself. Of course I examine myself constantly. It's something I can't stop doing, it's just a part of who I am. Yes, I constantly compare myself with others.
Hold up.
Don't freak out.
"OH MY GAWD you shouldn't compare yourself with others!!"
That's not what I mean!
What I mean is that I simply analyze people and compare/contrast my own thoughts/views/actions in regards to the same topics or principles that seem to be the focus of my thoughts at that given moment. Make sense?
I have become aware that not everyone has as much insight into people as I do. It's true.
Now, I do not say this to boast. Really, I am surprised and it takes a great deal for me to actually ACKNOWLEDGE a positive thing about myself. I'm pretty hard on myself and I realize that.
Really, all I have to do is spend a few minutes with a person to feel out their character. Oh sure, you may say "Oh anyone can do that" but I do it far better than most. Just the posture, the tone of voice, the whole body language but also: the words. Sometimes the things that go unsaid give me more insight into the person than what they actually say. I usually see through most ulterior motives in just simple matters...
It sounds like I'm bragging, but I don't mean to. It's just an observation because I recently actually acknowledged this fact about myself.
I am often very sure of my impressions of people and yet doubtful too because my reasoning says "Oh you have no right to think that. You don't even know the person!" but then there's that gut instinct kicking back in...I just know what the person is thinking. I can see it. Fuck it's like I can almost feel it. It's one reason I was always a good mediator between people. I can see what both are thinking at all times when they are speaking and I can perfectly explain where each one of them went off track in their efforts to reach a mutual understanding. I can see their thoughts pretty much.
Not too long ago, right before I was transferred to being "asset protection" at my job, there was a guy named LeTroy who I fucking could NOT stand up at my work.
There was something about this asshole that just SCREAMED "liar" with every word he spoke.
Everyone else thought he was just a cool guy, you know?
Laid back, enjoyed a good laugh and impressed customers on the sales floor.
The day he started working there, I thought to myself, "ok this guy is a phony, I just don't have proof but I feel it"
Now, I didn't have proof or even logical reasoning to base my suspicions on. I just could tell that he was fucking lying ALL THE GOD DAMNED TIME!
I shit you not, all the time.
The fucker lied.
All the fucking time....lies, lies, lies.
I could see it and no one else could.
Well, he was a lousy employee in the end as far as helping customers because he was caught LYING about products. He wold make shit up when he didn't know the answer to their questions and it sounded like he knew what he was talking about. Most employees thought nothing of it since a lot of new guys do that...you know, "fake it till you make it" kind of behavior. I just knew there was something more to it though...
I took one girl aside who I spoke with at work time to time, and the subject of LeTroy came up.
"What do you think of him?" I asked.
"Oh I think he's alright! He was just a little emotional the other day talking to so-and-so because he has some thigns going on at home but he's a really nice guy..."
She didn't get my drift.
"Look this guy is a liar, I just know it," I said, "I can feel it, he just isn't trust worthy. They shouldn't have hired him. They let a snake in the door....dude that guy's a freaking snake"
My co-worked looked at me like I was NUTS!
She said I was being judgmental. Well, yes I was...but if you're RIGHT in you judgment, then it's ok in my book. Bias? eh...maybe, but I was RIGHT so fuck opinions of "Oh that's wrong, you're judgmental wah wah wah"....I was right about this guy.
The last thing I said to my co-worked was, "This guy is a con-artist"
Mark my words. I called it. I was the only one in the store who could sense it.
$25,000 worth of internal theft walked out of our doors within a couple month's time.
Who was to blame?
LeTroy.
This was before I was transferred into the dept of asset protection though, remember, or else I'd have caught him sooner.
His dumb ass is in jail/prison/whatever now but I was right...I called it. He was a con-artist.
(A dumb one too)
Now, once I was transferred to asset protection, I busted more internal theft because well...there was a bitch I just did not like. Again, I got bad vibes from her. I could tell she was dishonest. I could read her, I really could. I'll tell my story of how I busted her later on, it's a long story.
My point though is that I just find it surprising that not everyone can read others as I do. I guess people aren't like me because I was always a shy person who stayed back and observed people more than I interacted with them. As a result of this, I am able to summarize people based on many things...including those things which go unsaid.
I find people to be interesting as a subject, but I couldn't ever be a psychologist. I don't have enough care or compassion for them to actually put it to use.
Blah....in the end, people are selfish, that's what I'll say.
____________________________________________________________________
And a random thought from Raymond that made me laugh:
Last night, we were laying in bed talking before we slept.
Since he has such a broad chest and I'm so very cold-natured, I often huggle up to him as we're talking. He started to tell me how much he loved me and why he loved me as he played with my hair.
"I love how rational you are and you're not over dramatic and I love your irritability..."
"what?!"
"..."
"You said you love my rationality and my irritability. Don't the two traits contradict each other?"
"Well no..." he said, "Your irritability rides on your rationality because you rationalize things so much that they irritate you!"
I laughed for a long time on this thought. He makes perfect sense of my nonsense sometimes.
We truly are a nontraditional couple and we're ok with that.
We are amused by it.
Good night world.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
This is hard to talk about
My mom is living with me and Ray now. We don't know how long she will be living with us. All we know is she has no other place to go... well, no other place that she wants to go anyhow.
The other options are my grandma's house and an aunt's house.
I'm getting kind of ahead of myself. Explaining this situation is difficult. I can't explain it all, I know I can't. This situation is quite complex and it's so hard for me to even write. I can't open up completely about my childhood and the things I went through. It's so much to tell and I just can't bring myself to do it.
In a way, I sort of envy the kids I once knew who had stable parents, finances, homes, families, etc. However, our life experiences shape us, and I wouldn't exactly change much of myself in regards to my strength of character. I can say that I am stronger after having gone through some of the things I did. I just wish things were different now in regards to my mom.
I will say my mom is fucking nuts.
She's nuts.
She's a wreck.
She's unstable emotionally (has been for years) but a more recent addition is the fact that she is now unstable mentally as well.
I've been avoiding this situation for as long as I could. I knew I'd have to care for her someday, I just didn't want it to come so soon. I wanted to at least have a place for her to stay - not my cold "storage room" which has no heat right as the days are getting colder. I wanted to have a job with better pay so I could pay for her doctor's visits and medications - not scrounge around, scraping the bottom of the barrel to get enough cash to support her through her problems. I wanted to at least be able to be out of college - not leave her alone at my home, secluded as I go from work to classes and back and forth. I wanted a lot of things ot be different.
Mostly, I want her to just be someone else, though.
My sister and her husband got the hell out while they had the chance, and now I'm left with the responsibility of caring for my mom. The family can't stand her. My sister and her husband can't stand her. I can't stand her. Ray tolerates her, but she annoys even him (He is very patient, but she can push it).
Why am I caring for my mom?
How did this happen?
Why does she need to be cared for anyhow? After all, she's not even 50 yet.
I'll see if I can explain what the situation is currently.
My mom has been an addict for years. She's hopped from one addiction to another. She doesn't like being completely sober, so whether it's painkillers, alcohol or whatever...you name it, she's abused it at one point in her life. She is what I consider to be "weak willed". She has no strength of mind. I fucking hate it. I find it disgusting. I found it disgusting when I was a little girl as she would cry, telling me she was sorry for whatever stupid thing she did the night before. I hated her for it.
She cries too easily.
She cried when the counselors at my schools told her she was an unfit parent.
She cried when apologizing to me for cutting her wrists (yet again) each time she did it. I was 11 when she first started that. She tried it again just the other night.
She'd cry when my dad hit her.
She'd cry when drunk.
She'd cry when sober.
She'd cry about how I refused to go to school.
She'd cry as she said she was sorry for hitting me when she lost her temper each time about my refusal to attend school. For arguing with her about her addictions. For when I took drugs from her and hid them. For when I took her alcohol away and poured it down the sink.
She'd actually cry every time she apologized, now that I think of it.
She's sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry for everything. Fucking sorry.
If anyone has the right to cry, it's me.
I was the victim as a child, but so was she. She was abused. My father was abused. They abused each other. Then they abused us (my sister and I) emotionally and physically. My dad I forgave without much thought. He was never sober either, yet I forgave him easily. I adored him far more, I am not sure why. But my mom? My mom? No, she disgusts me. I suppose one could call it "hate" but I do not like using that word. I just can't stand the woman.
I couldn't stand her for letting that man into our home when I was younger.
I couldn't stand how she didn't care when he put his hands on me when I was 12 and 13 years old. I kept silent about it but when she found out, she still let him in our home. She even fucked him. I hated her for it.
I couldn't stand it when I would come home and some random drug dealer would be in our home - friends of my sisters boyfriend who lived with us for 8 years. He was responsible for introducing more hardcore drugs into my household, and my mom welcomed both him and the drugs.
I couldn't stand her when she got arrested all those times for drinking and driving.
I couldn't stand her when I found her passed out all those times, unable to stand or chew the food I might find her face down in.
I couldn't stand her when I would try to talk to her, as she would just slur and drool.
I couldn't stand her when I would tell her how I hated what she was doing with drugs or alcohol and how she would just defend her actions, "I've been abused all my life, Amanda. This is how I cope with it"
She spoke as if I didn't know what it felt like.
I hated her the most on the last suicide attempt.
She was found driving under the influence (yet again) and the cops brought her into jail. She asked to use the bathroom, broke the mirror in the restroom and used the shards to cut her wrists (yet again) open for the last time. She was found on the floor. They rushed her to the hospital and stitched her up and she was held in jail a while afterwards. She never came home that night. The next morning, she was delivered to my sister and I by my grandparents who bailed her out of jail. We were told the full story and all I could feel was anger. Not sorrow or pity or sadness or sympathy. Anger. I hated her. I wanted her to be someone completely different. I didn't want her to die, but I didn't want her in my life either. As I listened to the account of the story of how my mother had tried to kill herself once more, I stared at her bandaged wrists and just hated her more. She didn't offer up much more than tears and more "I'm sorry"s. I was the one who removed her stitches once they healed enough. I was 14.
She'd tried it before. She first started being suicidal after she left my alcoholic, abusive father. I was 10 when she left him for the last time. She didn't cut herself for attention like the stupid fucking retard emo shit head children these days. My mom genuinely wanted to die, or at least punish herself. She knew she was a bad mom. She knew she'd fucked up. She knew she had no control over her life or kids. It doesn't excuse such behavior. There is no excuse. None.
I feel no sympathy for her these days. When she cries, I just want to slap her.
I can't hug her anymore.
I can't stand for her to touch me.
I don't like going in the room she sleeps in because the room has a certain smell that I can't place. All I know is that it reminds me of her.
She cries all the God damned time.Its disgusting.
Don't fucking cry on me. You have no right! Life was hard for me, and you damned well better not think it's "too hard" for you. Tough it up.
Even what I am sharing in this blog is only a portion. There are stories.
There were days in my life too horrible for me to think about for long. There are experiences that would make me want to crumble if I were to focus on them. I shake my head at it and shrug. Fuck it, life's like that. I won't really tell very many individual experiences. They're too long and tragic, and no one would really want to read that shit anyhow.
My mom still has an over-the-counter drug she's addicted to. She has no job to get money to support her addiction, but another family member (yet another addict) has been feeding her habit for free. She now is going through withdrawls from it. She's detoxing, as we like to call it. Detoxing is horribly painful for your body. She has shivers, fever, she goes from hot to cold. She vomits. She can't sleep. She has to shit all the time. Food goes straight through her. She shakes and her skin is clammy to the touch. She cries easily. She's an unstable wreck.
The worst of the "DT's" are over for her, but she still has far to go. Now that she's kicking her over-the-counter addiction (I wont say what medication she abused, it's a rare, little-known addiction and NO IT'S NOT COUGH SYRUP. It's an opiate addiction) she has to kick her struggle with Loratabs. She's on enough to kill a horse but I'm bringing her slowly down. I have to lock all the meds up in my safe and I have to write down how much she gets on what days/what times.
I'm taking her to the doctor tomorrow to see if we can get a script for a smaller MG of the painkillers so we can taper her off of them slowly without a lot of DT symptoms. She's been on Methadone before in order to get off some other drugs, and THAT shit is horrible! I'd never recommend Methadone to anyone withdrawing from drugs because then you get addicted to Methadone. I've seen it too many times. I've known too many drug addicts. I've been exposed to way too many drugs in my life but never, NEVER did I try them. Not even once. Not even pot. Not the pot, cocaine, meth, pills (god there are too many pills to name) or glass. I hated all that shit around me.
Now its up to me to take her to the doctor, pay for her meds to bring her slowly off her addiction and to support her financially. She never went back to work after she got fired the last time. She was too fucked up on drugs and they fired her for being on that shit while on the job.
All my life, she's been a hypochondriac. A hypochondriac who is also a sucker for addictive behavior is BAD! Why? Because they can convince themselves that they genuinely need medication for some fictional disease/syndrome/whatever pain that might possibly be all in their head! Even my mother doesn't fucking know whats real and whats not as far as real pain or addiction. She claims she - like so many other fucking middle aged, American women - has "fibromyalgia" What-fucking-ever.
Fibromyalgia is just some stupid "disorder" where you just fucking hurt all the God damned time. All the time. She claims she's in constant pain. She cries and shakes and just can't fucking take this mysterious pain. Now what am I supposed to say/do to that? REALLY! TELL ME!
"Oh mom, it's all in your head!"
I've told her that, and she still just cries in agony and insists:
"Oh I wish you could feel what this feels like. I am hurting all over. My muscles feel like they are ripping to shreds!"
FUCK
How do you prove/disprove such a thing? There is no "cure" to this "disorder"
I must now support my mom who claims she is too sick to work.
She's going to try and get on disability for her "condition" but I fucking hate that shit too.
She can't even go fucking shopping with me for something and walk for 30 minutes without getting up the next day and saying she injured herself in some way simply by doing that 30 minute walk. She can't even bend over and pick up a light laundry basket without claiming it strained her muscles. She acts fucking helpless. I have to do everything for her now.
I don't know what to do. I can't abandon her to the streets. I hate having her live with me though because I can't stand her.
Several times the past few days she has cried, begging me to forgive her for being a bad mother.
"I'm sorry for all the stupid things I did to you when you were little"
She cries.
She cries.
She cries.
I don't want to hear it.
I don't comfort her.
I just tell her to stop worrying about it because that's life and I've moved on.
I'm not looking for pity. Fuck pity.
I don't want sympathy, it's wasted on me in my circumstance. I'm just getting some shit off my chest.
I wanted to say more but I can't. I've given a small glimpse into the complex situation and there is so much more to tell. My mom is a fucking horrible story. My dad was a horrible story with a tragic ending of my mother finding his body. I'm a genetic concoction of the two. I'm an emotional being just like they are and yet I am so much stronger. Fuck their weaknesses, I know I won't be like them.
I guess this is the start of a path most don't encounter until they are 40 or so. Most don't have to care for their parents so early on in life. My grandma said we should consider giving me power of attorney over my mom. My mother says she'll think about it. It's a lot to put on the shoulders of some one young. Life doesn't cater towards our convenience though, does it?
It damn sure doesn't!
If life is handing me another stressful circumstance to deal with, I'll just have to deal with it. I'll care for her until she dies I guess, or until she gets Alzheimer's disease. She's in the early stages it seems.
I'm out. I don't know what else to say.
.
The other options are my grandma's house and an aunt's house.
I'm getting kind of ahead of myself. Explaining this situation is difficult. I can't explain it all, I know I can't. This situation is quite complex and it's so hard for me to even write. I can't open up completely about my childhood and the things I went through. It's so much to tell and I just can't bring myself to do it.
In a way, I sort of envy the kids I once knew who had stable parents, finances, homes, families, etc. However, our life experiences shape us, and I wouldn't exactly change much of myself in regards to my strength of character. I can say that I am stronger after having gone through some of the things I did. I just wish things were different now in regards to my mom.
I will say my mom is fucking nuts.
She's nuts.
She's a wreck.
She's unstable emotionally (has been for years) but a more recent addition is the fact that she is now unstable mentally as well.
I've been avoiding this situation for as long as I could. I knew I'd have to care for her someday, I just didn't want it to come so soon. I wanted to at least have a place for her to stay - not my cold "storage room" which has no heat right as the days are getting colder. I wanted to have a job with better pay so I could pay for her doctor's visits and medications - not scrounge around, scraping the bottom of the barrel to get enough cash to support her through her problems. I wanted to at least be able to be out of college - not leave her alone at my home, secluded as I go from work to classes and back and forth. I wanted a lot of things ot be different.
Mostly, I want her to just be someone else, though.
My sister and her husband got the hell out while they had the chance, and now I'm left with the responsibility of caring for my mom. The family can't stand her. My sister and her husband can't stand her. I can't stand her. Ray tolerates her, but she annoys even him (He is very patient, but she can push it).
Why am I caring for my mom?
How did this happen?
Why does she need to be cared for anyhow? After all, she's not even 50 yet.
I'll see if I can explain what the situation is currently.
My mom has been an addict for years. She's hopped from one addiction to another. She doesn't like being completely sober, so whether it's painkillers, alcohol or whatever...you name it, she's abused it at one point in her life. She is what I consider to be "weak willed". She has no strength of mind. I fucking hate it. I find it disgusting. I found it disgusting when I was a little girl as she would cry, telling me she was sorry for whatever stupid thing she did the night before. I hated her for it.
She cries too easily.
She cried when the counselors at my schools told her she was an unfit parent.
She cried when apologizing to me for cutting her wrists (yet again) each time she did it. I was 11 when she first started that. She tried it again just the other night.
She'd cry when my dad hit her.
She'd cry when drunk.
She'd cry when sober.
She'd cry about how I refused to go to school.
She'd cry as she said she was sorry for hitting me when she lost her temper each time about my refusal to attend school. For arguing with her about her addictions. For when I took drugs from her and hid them. For when I took her alcohol away and poured it down the sink.
She'd actually cry every time she apologized, now that I think of it.
She's sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry for everything. Fucking sorry.
If anyone has the right to cry, it's me.
I was the victim as a child, but so was she. She was abused. My father was abused. They abused each other. Then they abused us (my sister and I) emotionally and physically. My dad I forgave without much thought. He was never sober either, yet I forgave him easily. I adored him far more, I am not sure why. But my mom? My mom? No, she disgusts me. I suppose one could call it "hate" but I do not like using that word. I just can't stand the woman.
I couldn't stand her for letting that man into our home when I was younger.
I couldn't stand how she didn't care when he put his hands on me when I was 12 and 13 years old. I kept silent about it but when she found out, she still let him in our home. She even fucked him. I hated her for it.
I couldn't stand it when I would come home and some random drug dealer would be in our home - friends of my sisters boyfriend who lived with us for 8 years. He was responsible for introducing more hardcore drugs into my household, and my mom welcomed both him and the drugs.
I couldn't stand her when she got arrested all those times for drinking and driving.
I couldn't stand her when I found her passed out all those times, unable to stand or chew the food I might find her face down in.
I couldn't stand her when I would try to talk to her, as she would just slur and drool.
I couldn't stand her when I would tell her how I hated what she was doing with drugs or alcohol and how she would just defend her actions, "I've been abused all my life, Amanda. This is how I cope with it"
She spoke as if I didn't know what it felt like.
I hated her the most on the last suicide attempt.
She was found driving under the influence (yet again) and the cops brought her into jail. She asked to use the bathroom, broke the mirror in the restroom and used the shards to cut her wrists (yet again) open for the last time. She was found on the floor. They rushed her to the hospital and stitched her up and she was held in jail a while afterwards. She never came home that night. The next morning, she was delivered to my sister and I by my grandparents who bailed her out of jail. We were told the full story and all I could feel was anger. Not sorrow or pity or sadness or sympathy. Anger. I hated her. I wanted her to be someone completely different. I didn't want her to die, but I didn't want her in my life either. As I listened to the account of the story of how my mother had tried to kill herself once more, I stared at her bandaged wrists and just hated her more. She didn't offer up much more than tears and more "I'm sorry"s. I was the one who removed her stitches once they healed enough. I was 14.
She'd tried it before. She first started being suicidal after she left my alcoholic, abusive father. I was 10 when she left him for the last time. She didn't cut herself for attention like the stupid fucking retard emo shit head children these days. My mom genuinely wanted to die, or at least punish herself. She knew she was a bad mom. She knew she'd fucked up. She knew she had no control over her life or kids. It doesn't excuse such behavior. There is no excuse. None.
I feel no sympathy for her these days. When she cries, I just want to slap her.
I can't hug her anymore.
I can't stand for her to touch me.
I don't like going in the room she sleeps in because the room has a certain smell that I can't place. All I know is that it reminds me of her.
She cries all the God damned time.Its disgusting.
Don't fucking cry on me. You have no right! Life was hard for me, and you damned well better not think it's "too hard" for you. Tough it up.
Even what I am sharing in this blog is only a portion. There are stories.
There were days in my life too horrible for me to think about for long. There are experiences that would make me want to crumble if I were to focus on them. I shake my head at it and shrug. Fuck it, life's like that. I won't really tell very many individual experiences. They're too long and tragic, and no one would really want to read that shit anyhow.
My mom still has an over-the-counter drug she's addicted to. She has no job to get money to support her addiction, but another family member (yet another addict) has been feeding her habit for free. She now is going through withdrawls from it. She's detoxing, as we like to call it. Detoxing is horribly painful for your body. She has shivers, fever, she goes from hot to cold. She vomits. She can't sleep. She has to shit all the time. Food goes straight through her. She shakes and her skin is clammy to the touch. She cries easily. She's an unstable wreck.
The worst of the "DT's" are over for her, but she still has far to go. Now that she's kicking her over-the-counter addiction (I wont say what medication she abused, it's a rare, little-known addiction and NO IT'S NOT COUGH SYRUP. It's an opiate addiction) she has to kick her struggle with Loratabs. She's on enough to kill a horse but I'm bringing her slowly down. I have to lock all the meds up in my safe and I have to write down how much she gets on what days/what times.
I'm taking her to the doctor tomorrow to see if we can get a script for a smaller MG of the painkillers so we can taper her off of them slowly without a lot of DT symptoms. She's been on Methadone before in order to get off some other drugs, and THAT shit is horrible! I'd never recommend Methadone to anyone withdrawing from drugs because then you get addicted to Methadone. I've seen it too many times. I've known too many drug addicts. I've been exposed to way too many drugs in my life but never, NEVER did I try them. Not even once. Not even pot. Not the pot, cocaine, meth, pills (god there are too many pills to name) or glass. I hated all that shit around me.
Now its up to me to take her to the doctor, pay for her meds to bring her slowly off her addiction and to support her financially. She never went back to work after she got fired the last time. She was too fucked up on drugs and they fired her for being on that shit while on the job.
All my life, she's been a hypochondriac. A hypochondriac who is also a sucker for addictive behavior is BAD! Why? Because they can convince themselves that they genuinely need medication for some fictional disease/syndrome/whatever pain that might possibly be all in their head! Even my mother doesn't fucking know whats real and whats not as far as real pain or addiction. She claims she - like so many other fucking middle aged, American women - has "fibromyalgia" What-fucking-ever.
Fibromyalgia is just some stupid "disorder" where you just fucking hurt all the God damned time. All the time. She claims she's in constant pain. She cries and shakes and just can't fucking take this mysterious pain. Now what am I supposed to say/do to that? REALLY! TELL ME!
"Oh mom, it's all in your head!"
I've told her that, and she still just cries in agony and insists:
"Oh I wish you could feel what this feels like. I am hurting all over. My muscles feel like they are ripping to shreds!"
FUCK
How do you prove/disprove such a thing? There is no "cure" to this "disorder"
I must now support my mom who claims she is too sick to work.
She's going to try and get on disability for her "condition" but I fucking hate that shit too.
She can't even go fucking shopping with me for something and walk for 30 minutes without getting up the next day and saying she injured herself in some way simply by doing that 30 minute walk. She can't even bend over and pick up a light laundry basket without claiming it strained her muscles. She acts fucking helpless. I have to do everything for her now.
I don't know what to do. I can't abandon her to the streets. I hate having her live with me though because I can't stand her.
Several times the past few days she has cried, begging me to forgive her for being a bad mother.
"I'm sorry for all the stupid things I did to you when you were little"
She cries.
She cries.
She cries.
I don't want to hear it.
I don't comfort her.
I just tell her to stop worrying about it because that's life and I've moved on.
I'm not looking for pity. Fuck pity.
I don't want sympathy, it's wasted on me in my circumstance. I'm just getting some shit off my chest.
I wanted to say more but I can't. I've given a small glimpse into the complex situation and there is so much more to tell. My mom is a fucking horrible story. My dad was a horrible story with a tragic ending of my mother finding his body. I'm a genetic concoction of the two. I'm an emotional being just like they are and yet I am so much stronger. Fuck their weaknesses, I know I won't be like them.
I guess this is the start of a path most don't encounter until they are 40 or so. Most don't have to care for their parents so early on in life. My grandma said we should consider giving me power of attorney over my mom. My mother says she'll think about it. It's a lot to put on the shoulders of some one young. Life doesn't cater towards our convenience though, does it?
It damn sure doesn't!
If life is handing me another stressful circumstance to deal with, I'll just have to deal with it. I'll care for her until she dies I guess, or until she gets Alzheimer's disease. She's in the early stages it seems.
I'm out. I don't know what else to say.
.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Update
Some information in regards to the "Filipino Teachers in Louisiana" blog that I posted a couple of days ago.
Below is some recent media coverage from the Shreveport Times website. I hope it was better edited than our tangible, printed newspaper *hangs head in shame*
_________________________________________________________________
Oct 7th, Shreveport Times' website article:
Exploitation of workers, foreign or domestic, is usually an injustice we presume is more common to the poorly educated and economically desperate.
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That it would happen to college-educated teachers is both shocking, as Caddo Parish Superintendent Gerald Dawkins termed it, and a testament to the powerful lure of a job in America.
If only part of the allegations made by a state teachers union about what Universal Placement International charged Filipino teachers to work in four school districts are true, it's an outrage.
Where were the safeguards presumably built into our immigration system that would ferret out disreputable recruiters bringing in foreign workers ?
As for Caddo Parish school administrators, eager to fill vacant classroom slots, just how much research did they do on either the company or the contracts these teachers labored under?
Caddo looked to the Philippines for 43 teachers last year to fill key positions in math, science, special education and English. A total of five Louisiana districts hired 200. LFT only looked at four districts.
It's no secret that the teachers lived on tight budgets. Their new Caddo colleagues had been known to enlist Sunday school classes to collect basic supplies to help the Filipino teachers make their transition into a new setting.
And no doubt the teachers were ready to pay a significant price to teach in the United States.
But the Louisiana Federation of Teachers, in its complaints filed with the state Attorney General's Office and the Louisiana Workforce Commission, allege that the teachers paid too dear a price, cheated out of thousands of dollars by Universal Placement Services of Los Angeles.
Universal is said to have initially charged $6,600 in fees covering costs including training, travel, medical exams, legal fees and visas. It then required the teachers to pay an additional placement fee of 20 percent of their first year's gross income. Those fees ranged from $8,000 to $10,000 per teacher depending on their projected salary.
The LFT, whose members have a stake in how districts fill positions, also alleges that Universal referred the teachers to predatory lending agencies to cover the fees — agencies that charged interest rates of 3 to 5 percent per month. More fees and expensive legal entanglements included contracts in which the teachers agreed to pay 10 percent of their monthly income to Universal for 24 months, and fees for annual visa renewals.
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OK, outrage may be too mild a term.
School Board minutes from last August show that at least two School Board members raised concerns. Charlotte Crawley asked what have proven to be on-point questions about the teachers' visas, their housing, Caddo's contractual commitment and how Universal made its money. Tammy Phelps asked interim Superintendent Wanda Gunn why the board had not been informed that the district was looking to the Philippines to fill classroom slots.
Paul Vallas, who heads the state Recovery School District, told the Associated Press his system hired 19 teachers through Universal in 2007 but later switched to the nonprofit Teach for America. "When for-profit companies are too eager to offer us things, that always makes us a bit suspicious."
Vallas said Universal was vetted by the state as part of its procurement process.
Solving our teacher shortages is critical if we are to ensure the best education for our children. But what was once viewed as a resourceful answer to filling these gaps has now become a huge embarrassment. It deserves now a full investigation. And wherever fault lies, let's hope hard lessons have been learned.
end
___________________________________________________________________
Oct 8th
The latest article from Shreveport Times' website:
The same month three Caddo school employees traveled to the Philippines to hire teachers with the help of a recruiter, officials at Louisiana’s Recovery School District decided not to renew its contract with the company.
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The Recovery School District, which hired 19 Filipino teachers in New Orleans, decided against renewing its contract with Universal Placement International when it ended in June 2008.
But not even state Education Superintendent Paul Pastorek, who signed the contract, knew it was not renewed, he said during a meeting Wednesday with The Times’ editorial board.
“I did not know about it and would not know about it. Nor would the board,” said Pastorek, who had visited Oak Park MicroSociety Elementary School earlier that day.
And the same month the Recovery School District decided not to renew the contract, Caddo school administrators traveled to Manila to hire teachers. The Caddo officials also didn’t know the contract was not renewed. Caddo hired 43 teachers to work in difficult-to-place areas such as special education and math.
Last week, the Louisiana Federation of Teachers submitted a complaint to the Louisiana Workforce Commission and the state attorney general’s office on behalf of more than 200 Filipino teachers who claim they had to pay about $15,000 each to apply for jobs in U.S. school districts. And once they were here, they paid 10 percent of their monthly salary to Universal Placement International and were threatened with harm to their families back home if they didn’t pay, the complaint alleges.
According to the Recovery School District’s contract with the recruiter, which is part of the union’s complaint, the accord was in effect July 1, 2007, to June 30, 2008. It was signed Sept. 28, 2007, by several state Education Department officials, including Pastorek, Paul Vallas, superintendent of the Recovery School District, Ollie Tyler, the state’s deputy education superintendent, and Linda Job, president of the state Board of Elementary and Secondary Education.
In the contract, the state agreed to pay Universal Placement International $2,500 to $50,000 for each candidate. The state paid a total of $47,500 to the recruiting company.
Pastorek said he didn’t know exactly how the Education Department came to do business with Universal Placement International. He became state superintendent March 2007, after initial talks with the recruiter had started, he said.
One of Pastorek’s initial tasks when he took the position was to find 650 teachers for the Recovery School District in New Orleans. As more post-Katrina students were returning, the district “cast a broad net” to recruit new teachers, he said.
“It was really begun before I walked into the door. It began in the Recovery School District in New Orleans by the people down there. They were talking to this company, the New Teacher Project, and to a number of different recruiters.
“When Paul Vallas came in, we ultimately consummated an agreement to bring in Filipino ladies. And we brought in a number of other people, out-of-staters. … That was all being done in the Recovery School District.”
The Recovery School District can’t process a contract, meaning it can’t enter into an agreement for itself, Pastorek said. The district can negotiate a contract but has to make a recommendation to the state Education Department to enter an agreement.
“We have some people up there who actually do the processing, the checking and evaluation to make sure it meets standards and so on and so forth,” Pastorek said. “To be honest with you, I never knew about this specific contract. … All I knew is that we got the teachers, and that’s all I really cared about at the end of the day.”
The state Board of Elementary and Secondary Education, the governing entity for the Recovery School District, reviewed but did not approve the contract, Pastorek said. Contracts for less than $50,000 don’t have to be approved by the state education board but are listed among other contracts and are part of the public record, he said. And when that contract was not renewed, Pastorek said, it did not have to be brought in front of the board.
The contract with Universal Placement International was not renewed was because the company was “pushy,” the state education superintendent explained.
“There was some sense on the part of our HR department in their dealing with them that there seemed to be a pushiness to them. That they were pushing too hard for the business and it made our people feel uncomfortable. “
But the ultimate decision to not renew the UPI contract was not his, Pastorek said. “The decision whether or not to renew a contract is left up to the Recovery School District. Paul Vallas makes that decision.”
There is a vetting process companies have to go through to do business with the Education Department, Pastorek said. “One of the things we’re looking at, because we contracted directly with the company through the Recovery School District, we’re looking at our process to determine if our process is weak or our execution of the process was weak. I have some people doing the research on that; we’ll have a fix on that here pretty soon.”
Despite the process, some things just fall through the cracks, Pastorek said. “I think that school district or the RSD, we execute a lot of contracts with a whole lot of people and, you know, I think in spite of best efforts, you’re going to run into people who are less scrupulous.
“In this case, I don’t want to say this enterprise is less scrupulous because I haven’t heard from the other side,” Pastorek said. “So I don’t want to rush to judgment. … But one thing I do know as a fact is that the company was not qualified to do business in Louisiana. Sometimes that’s an oversight by businesses who aren’t qualified to do business in Louisiana. … Doesn’t mean that they are scrupulous.”
Pastorek said he has heard positive reports about the Filipino teacher’s abilities but worries that, as a result of the incident, a moratorium would be put on using recruiters to search for employees. “While we need to be concerned about unscrupulous vendors, we can’t throw the baby out with the bath water here.
“There are many good vendors out there who do recruit for schools and school systems,” Pastorek said. “The one concern I have about this discussion is that we go to the opposite end of the spectrum. The concern is that the recruiter made a deal with the people who were being recruited that was onerous.”
end
___________________________________________________________________
Ok ok so...our local school board in Caddo Parish is ADMITTING that only a portion of them knew that we were recruiting from the Philippines, while others knew nothing of it. Also, they admit that when the contract was up in late 2008 and was not renewed, those who DID know of the contract with the UPI organization supposedly did not know of it not being renewed. Despite the contract NOT being renewed, locals here in Shreveport decided to go to Manila to recruit more teachers. They admit they went through a shady company whose contract had not been renewed to acquire underpaid teachers and rob them of what little they have to their name. And some of the school board members are just now learning of this whole fiasco. Only a few people knew what was going on, apparently. Those who knew the full story were (and this is just my theory!) probably fucking assholes who were bribed.
In addition to all this, our state had no RIGHT to do business with such an organization! Regardless of the fact that UPI is shady, they have no office in Louisiana. According to the Louisiana state law, the company is guilty of the following:
• Failure to maintain an office in Louisiana. State law requires an “onsite manager for that location, or an on-site consultant who has successfully passed the private employment service examination.”
• Failure to provide a $5,000 bond to the state.
• Failure to post all the appropriate licenses to operate, an approved applicant schedule of fees, and copies of the Rules and Regulations Governing Private Employment Services.
• Illegally collecting fees from both the employer and the applicant.
• Illegally charging teachers employed in Louisiana fees prior to arriving in the state.
• Illegally charging fees to applicants who were never employed by a Louisiana school system.
This is taken straight from the official complaint filed on behalf of the teachers in Louisiana against the company.
The company is guilty of the crimes, but Louisiana allowed it to happen. We let it happen. This is sick.
By the way, did I mention how embarrassed I am about the fact that Louisiana is so out of touch with its educational system? I'm EMBARRASSED!
Below is some recent media coverage from the Shreveport Times website. I hope it was better edited than our tangible, printed newspaper *hangs head in shame*
_________________________________________________________________
Oct 7th, Shreveport Times' website article:
Exploitation of workers, foreign or domestic, is usually an injustice we presume is more common to the poorly educated and economically desperate.
Advertisement
That it would happen to college-educated teachers is both shocking, as Caddo Parish Superintendent Gerald Dawkins termed it, and a testament to the powerful lure of a job in America.
If only part of the allegations made by a state teachers union about what Universal Placement International charged Filipino teachers to work in four school districts are true, it's an outrage.
Where were the safeguards presumably built into our immigration system that would ferret out disreputable recruiters bringing in foreign workers ?
As for Caddo Parish school administrators, eager to fill vacant classroom slots, just how much research did they do on either the company or the contracts these teachers labored under?
Caddo looked to the Philippines for 43 teachers last year to fill key positions in math, science, special education and English. A total of five Louisiana districts hired 200. LFT only looked at four districts.
It's no secret that the teachers lived on tight budgets. Their new Caddo colleagues had been known to enlist Sunday school classes to collect basic supplies to help the Filipino teachers make their transition into a new setting.
And no doubt the teachers were ready to pay a significant price to teach in the United States.
But the Louisiana Federation of Teachers, in its complaints filed with the state Attorney General's Office and the Louisiana Workforce Commission, allege that the teachers paid too dear a price, cheated out of thousands of dollars by Universal Placement Services of Los Angeles.
Universal is said to have initially charged $6,600 in fees covering costs including training, travel, medical exams, legal fees and visas. It then required the teachers to pay an additional placement fee of 20 percent of their first year's gross income. Those fees ranged from $8,000 to $10,000 per teacher depending on their projected salary.
The LFT, whose members have a stake in how districts fill positions, also alleges that Universal referred the teachers to predatory lending agencies to cover the fees — agencies that charged interest rates of 3 to 5 percent per month. More fees and expensive legal entanglements included contracts in which the teachers agreed to pay 10 percent of their monthly income to Universal for 24 months, and fees for annual visa renewals.
Advertisement
OK, outrage may be too mild a term.
School Board minutes from last August show that at least two School Board members raised concerns. Charlotte Crawley asked what have proven to be on-point questions about the teachers' visas, their housing, Caddo's contractual commitment and how Universal made its money. Tammy Phelps asked interim Superintendent Wanda Gunn why the board had not been informed that the district was looking to the Philippines to fill classroom slots.
Paul Vallas, who heads the state Recovery School District, told the Associated Press his system hired 19 teachers through Universal in 2007 but later switched to the nonprofit Teach for America. "When for-profit companies are too eager to offer us things, that always makes us a bit suspicious."
Vallas said Universal was vetted by the state as part of its procurement process.
Solving our teacher shortages is critical if we are to ensure the best education for our children. But what was once viewed as a resourceful answer to filling these gaps has now become a huge embarrassment. It deserves now a full investigation. And wherever fault lies, let's hope hard lessons have been learned.
end
___________________________________________________________________
Oct 8th
The latest article from Shreveport Times' website:
The same month three Caddo school employees traveled to the Philippines to hire teachers with the help of a recruiter, officials at Louisiana’s Recovery School District decided not to renew its contract with the company.
Advertisement
The Recovery School District, which hired 19 Filipino teachers in New Orleans, decided against renewing its contract with Universal Placement International when it ended in June 2008.
But not even state Education Superintendent Paul Pastorek, who signed the contract, knew it was not renewed, he said during a meeting Wednesday with The Times’ editorial board.
“I did not know about it and would not know about it. Nor would the board,” said Pastorek, who had visited Oak Park MicroSociety Elementary School earlier that day.
And the same month the Recovery School District decided not to renew the contract, Caddo school administrators traveled to Manila to hire teachers. The Caddo officials also didn’t know the contract was not renewed. Caddo hired 43 teachers to work in difficult-to-place areas such as special education and math.
Last week, the Louisiana Federation of Teachers submitted a complaint to the Louisiana Workforce Commission and the state attorney general’s office on behalf of more than 200 Filipino teachers who claim they had to pay about $15,000 each to apply for jobs in U.S. school districts. And once they were here, they paid 10 percent of their monthly salary to Universal Placement International and were threatened with harm to their families back home if they didn’t pay, the complaint alleges.
According to the Recovery School District’s contract with the recruiter, which is part of the union’s complaint, the accord was in effect July 1, 2007, to June 30, 2008. It was signed Sept. 28, 2007, by several state Education Department officials, including Pastorek, Paul Vallas, superintendent of the Recovery School District, Ollie Tyler, the state’s deputy education superintendent, and Linda Job, president of the state Board of Elementary and Secondary Education.
In the contract, the state agreed to pay Universal Placement International $2,500 to $50,000 for each candidate. The state paid a total of $47,500 to the recruiting company.
Pastorek said he didn’t know exactly how the Education Department came to do business with Universal Placement International. He became state superintendent March 2007, after initial talks with the recruiter had started, he said.
One of Pastorek’s initial tasks when he took the position was to find 650 teachers for the Recovery School District in New Orleans. As more post-Katrina students were returning, the district “cast a broad net” to recruit new teachers, he said.
“It was really begun before I walked into the door. It began in the Recovery School District in New Orleans by the people down there. They were talking to this company, the New Teacher Project, and to a number of different recruiters.
“When Paul Vallas came in, we ultimately consummated an agreement to bring in Filipino ladies. And we brought in a number of other people, out-of-staters. … That was all being done in the Recovery School District.”
The Recovery School District can’t process a contract, meaning it can’t enter into an agreement for itself, Pastorek said. The district can negotiate a contract but has to make a recommendation to the state Education Department to enter an agreement.
“We have some people up there who actually do the processing, the checking and evaluation to make sure it meets standards and so on and so forth,” Pastorek said. “To be honest with you, I never knew about this specific contract. … All I knew is that we got the teachers, and that’s all I really cared about at the end of the day.”
The state Board of Elementary and Secondary Education, the governing entity for the Recovery School District, reviewed but did not approve the contract, Pastorek said. Contracts for less than $50,000 don’t have to be approved by the state education board but are listed among other contracts and are part of the public record, he said. And when that contract was not renewed, Pastorek said, it did not have to be brought in front of the board.
The contract with Universal Placement International was not renewed was because the company was “pushy,” the state education superintendent explained.
“There was some sense on the part of our HR department in their dealing with them that there seemed to be a pushiness to them. That they were pushing too hard for the business and it made our people feel uncomfortable. “
But the ultimate decision to not renew the UPI contract was not his, Pastorek said. “The decision whether or not to renew a contract is left up to the Recovery School District. Paul Vallas makes that decision.”
There is a vetting process companies have to go through to do business with the Education Department, Pastorek said. “One of the things we’re looking at, because we contracted directly with the company through the Recovery School District, we’re looking at our process to determine if our process is weak or our execution of the process was weak. I have some people doing the research on that; we’ll have a fix on that here pretty soon.”
Despite the process, some things just fall through the cracks, Pastorek said. “I think that school district or the RSD, we execute a lot of contracts with a whole lot of people and, you know, I think in spite of best efforts, you’re going to run into people who are less scrupulous.
“In this case, I don’t want to say this enterprise is less scrupulous because I haven’t heard from the other side,” Pastorek said. “So I don’t want to rush to judgment. … But one thing I do know as a fact is that the company was not qualified to do business in Louisiana. Sometimes that’s an oversight by businesses who aren’t qualified to do business in Louisiana. … Doesn’t mean that they are scrupulous.”
Pastorek said he has heard positive reports about the Filipino teacher’s abilities but worries that, as a result of the incident, a moratorium would be put on using recruiters to search for employees. “While we need to be concerned about unscrupulous vendors, we can’t throw the baby out with the bath water here.
“There are many good vendors out there who do recruit for schools and school systems,” Pastorek said. “The one concern I have about this discussion is that we go to the opposite end of the spectrum. The concern is that the recruiter made a deal with the people who were being recruited that was onerous.”
end
___________________________________________________________________
Ok ok so...our local school board in Caddo Parish is ADMITTING that only a portion of them knew that we were recruiting from the Philippines, while others knew nothing of it. Also, they admit that when the contract was up in late 2008 and was not renewed, those who DID know of the contract with the UPI organization supposedly did not know of it not being renewed. Despite the contract NOT being renewed, locals here in Shreveport decided to go to Manila to recruit more teachers. They admit they went through a shady company whose contract had not been renewed to acquire underpaid teachers and rob them of what little they have to their name. And some of the school board members are just now learning of this whole fiasco. Only a few people knew what was going on, apparently. Those who knew the full story were (and this is just my theory!) probably fucking assholes who were bribed.
In addition to all this, our state had no RIGHT to do business with such an organization! Regardless of the fact that UPI is shady, they have no office in Louisiana. According to the Louisiana state law, the company is guilty of the following:
• Failure to maintain an office in Louisiana. State law requires an “onsite manager for that location, or an on-site consultant who has successfully passed the private employment service examination.”
• Failure to provide a $5,000 bond to the state.
• Failure to post all the appropriate licenses to operate, an approved applicant schedule of fees, and copies of the Rules and Regulations Governing Private Employment Services.
• Illegally collecting fees from both the employer and the applicant.
• Illegally charging teachers employed in Louisiana fees prior to arriving in the state.
• Illegally charging fees to applicants who were never employed by a Louisiana school system.
This is taken straight from the official complaint filed on behalf of the teachers in Louisiana against the company.
The company is guilty of the crimes, but Louisiana allowed it to happen. We let it happen. This is sick.
By the way, did I mention how embarrassed I am about the fact that Louisiana is so out of touch with its educational system? I'm EMBARRASSED!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Gods of the Copybook Headings
The Gods of the Copybook Headings
Rudyard Kipling, 1919
As I pass through my incarnations in every age and race,
I Make my proper prostrations to the Gods of the Market-Place.
Peering through reverent fingers I watch them flourish and fall,
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings, I notice, outlast them all.
We were living in trees when they met us. They showed us each in turn
That Water would certainly wet us, as Fire would certainly burn:
But we found them lacking in Uplift, Vision and Breadth of Mind,
So we left them to teach the Gorillas while we followed the March of Mankind.
We moved as the Spirit listed. They never altered their pace,
Being neither cloud nor wind-borne like the Gods of the Market-Place.
But they always caught up with our progress, and presently word would come
That a tribe had been wiped off its icefield, or the lights had gone out in Rome.
With the Hopes that our World is built on they were utterly out of touch
They denied that the Moon was Stilton; they denied she was even Dutch
They denied that Wishes were Horses; they denied that a Pig had Wings.
So we worshipped the Gods of the Market Who promised these beautiful things.
When the Cambrian measures were forming, They promised perpetual peace.
They swore, if we gave them our weapons, that the wars of the tribes would cease.
But when we disarmed They sold us and delivered us bound to our foe,
And the Gods of the Copybook Heading said: "Stick to the Devil you know."
On the first Feminian Sandstones we were promised the Fuller Life
(Which started by loving our neighbour and ended by loving his wife)
Till our women had no more children and the men lost reason and faith,
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said: "The Wages of Sin is Death."
In the Carboniferous Epoch we were promised abundance for all,
By robbing selected Peter to pay for collective Paul;
But, though we had plenty of money, there was nothing our money could buy,
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said: "If you don't work you die."
Then the Gods of the Market tumbled, and their smooth-tongued wizards withdrew,
And the hearts of the meanest were humbled and began to believe it was true
That All is not Gold that Glitters, and Two and Two make Four --
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings limped up to explain it once more.
* * * * *
As it will be in the future, it was at the birth of Man --
There are only four things certain since Social Progress began --
That the Dog returns to his Vomit and the Sow returns to her Mire,
And the burnt Fool's bandaged finger goes wabbling back to the Fire --
And that after this is accomplished, and the brave new world begins
When all men are paid for existing and no man must pay for his sins
As surely as Water will wet us, as surely as Fire will burn
The Gods of the Copybook Headings with terror and slaughter return!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I first read this poem over a year ago. I've since read it a few times more and I seem to understand some things Kipling spoke of, but I am still frustrated that I don't understand ALL of it. I suppose I will understand it more someday. I think it's pretty awesome still.
Rudyard Kipling, 1919
As I pass through my incarnations in every age and race,
I Make my proper prostrations to the Gods of the Market-Place.
Peering through reverent fingers I watch them flourish and fall,
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings, I notice, outlast them all.
We were living in trees when they met us. They showed us each in turn
That Water would certainly wet us, as Fire would certainly burn:
But we found them lacking in Uplift, Vision and Breadth of Mind,
So we left them to teach the Gorillas while we followed the March of Mankind.
We moved as the Spirit listed. They never altered their pace,
Being neither cloud nor wind-borne like the Gods of the Market-Place.
But they always caught up with our progress, and presently word would come
That a tribe had been wiped off its icefield, or the lights had gone out in Rome.
With the Hopes that our World is built on they were utterly out of touch
They denied that the Moon was Stilton; they denied she was even Dutch
They denied that Wishes were Horses; they denied that a Pig had Wings.
So we worshipped the Gods of the Market Who promised these beautiful things.
When the Cambrian measures were forming, They promised perpetual peace.
They swore, if we gave them our weapons, that the wars of the tribes would cease.
But when we disarmed They sold us and delivered us bound to our foe,
And the Gods of the Copybook Heading said: "Stick to the Devil you know."
On the first Feminian Sandstones we were promised the Fuller Life
(Which started by loving our neighbour and ended by loving his wife)
Till our women had no more children and the men lost reason and faith,
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said: "The Wages of Sin is Death."
In the Carboniferous Epoch we were promised abundance for all,
By robbing selected Peter to pay for collective Paul;
But, though we had plenty of money, there was nothing our money could buy,
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said: "If you don't work you die."
Then the Gods of the Market tumbled, and their smooth-tongued wizards withdrew,
And the hearts of the meanest were humbled and began to believe it was true
That All is not Gold that Glitters, and Two and Two make Four --
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings limped up to explain it once more.
* * * * *
As it will be in the future, it was at the birth of Man --
There are only four things certain since Social Progress began --
That the Dog returns to his Vomit and the Sow returns to her Mire,
And the burnt Fool's bandaged finger goes wabbling back to the Fire --
And that after this is accomplished, and the brave new world begins
When all men are paid for existing and no man must pay for his sins
As surely as Water will wet us, as surely as Fire will burn
The Gods of the Copybook Headings with terror and slaughter return!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I first read this poem over a year ago. I've since read it a few times more and I seem to understand some things Kipling spoke of, but I am still frustrated that I don't understand ALL of it. I suppose I will understand it more someday. I think it's pretty awesome still.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
What to do
No point to this blog. Just ramblings and fragments, pieces of thoughts that make no sense. I wonder if I can make sense of anything at the moment. I seem to be incapable of putting my finger on exactly what's bugging me, and that's a bit unusual. I think having too much time on my hands is a dangerous thing indeed. My mind wanders off into fucking left field where it does not belong. I should stay on my turf, within my known territory. Sit down, shut up and like it.
Or should I?
-.-
I lie.
I know whats bothering me.
Well, one of the things.
It doesn't help that I currently have pain from a condition that is causing the left side of my face to hurt, my lymph node to swell and my jaw ache.
I made a 104% on my last math test. Looks like math is going ok for now.
English class last night was hard to sit through, and my professor admitted that she got terribly lost in my last essay. She did add, however, that she again enjoyed my writing style and said the material was good...she just got a bit lost as to where my main point was and wondered which statement was my thesis statement. I know she's right, I wrote it half asleep the morning it was due.
I'm tempted to make this into a whine blog now.
I consider myself a very rational being, extremely stable and unswayed by the trivial matters most people freak out over.
Given this fact then, why is it that I can seemingly be upset over nothing?
Most seem to be anxious over something and it really irks me when they over react over such small matters in life.
While I don't get anxious or angsty over the little "somethings" , I do seem to feel these emotions over the nothings.
Then who truly is the one sweating the small stuff?
Is it the simpletons or me?
See, you see what I mean now...my head is going places it shouldn't and talking weird shit.
My truest and innermost source of anxiety is hidden deep beneath all the other shit that I am worrying about though, and it's the ultimate drive for my stupid, near depressive state at the moment. It's like a furnace at the deep core heating all my other irritation.
Fuck
It sucks
Or should I?
-.-
I lie.
I know whats bothering me.
Well, one of the things.
It doesn't help that I currently have pain from a condition that is causing the left side of my face to hurt, my lymph node to swell and my jaw ache.
I made a 104% on my last math test. Looks like math is going ok for now.
English class last night was hard to sit through, and my professor admitted that she got terribly lost in my last essay. She did add, however, that she again enjoyed my writing style and said the material was good...she just got a bit lost as to where my main point was and wondered which statement was my thesis statement. I know she's right, I wrote it half asleep the morning it was due.
I'm tempted to make this into a whine blog now.
I consider myself a very rational being, extremely stable and unswayed by the trivial matters most people freak out over.
Given this fact then, why is it that I can seemingly be upset over nothing?
Most seem to be anxious over something and it really irks me when they over react over such small matters in life.
While I don't get anxious or angsty over the little "somethings" , I do seem to feel these emotions over the nothings.
Then who truly is the one sweating the small stuff?
Is it the simpletons or me?
See, you see what I mean now...my head is going places it shouldn't and talking weird shit.
My truest and innermost source of anxiety is hidden deep beneath all the other shit that I am worrying about though, and it's the ultimate drive for my stupid, near depressive state at the moment. It's like a furnace at the deep core heating all my other irritation.
Fuck
It sucks
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